50 Shades Of Shit

   '50 Shades of Grey' is possibly the most talked about franchise of the century. When the god-awful books were released, I couldn't digest more than three pages without seriously considering killing myself due to the poor grammar, painstakingly slow plot and Key Stage 2 creative writing skills. However, I decided to go and see the film anyway, hoping that maybe my views would be changed. I was wrong. I can't admit that Jamie Dornan didn't make my heart race at all because at the end of the day I am a female with eyes and hormones. But all in all, sitting in a cinema in Garston, with a sea of strangers watching a good looking man who has a strange fetish for the use of weapons during sex and an urge to be a dominant male for two and a half hours is awfully uncomfortable. I actually found myself laughing at the ridiculousness of the plot. I know what you're thinking; 'It's only a movie', but really how is anyone meant to believe that a goody two shoes virgin would meet a psychotic billionaire and within a week basically agree to be his sex slave? Barely even hesitating at the fact that he has a built in 'playroom' in his luxurious apartment with every type of whip, handcuff and bondage item under the sun. Never mind the fact that the only reason this film is considered to be a romance is because of Mr. Grey's extortionate wealth, if he was unemployed living in a dingy basement it would immediately make the cut for a horrifying Criminal Minds story line, which is quite sad really. Seeing hairy vaginas on screen also isn't a delight for anyone and I almost regurgitated all of my pic 'n' mix as a result. I would advise you all to see the film anyway, not because it's of an even slightly high standard, but because nevertheless it's still extremely hilarious to watch, although I'm almost sure that the humour wasn't intentional which makes it even better.

H